The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent

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Dr. Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent is a model of relating which brings greater clarity and authenticity to our relationships in all areas of life: with work colleagues, with friends and family, and in our most intimate relationships. In these practices, you’ll discover that the Art of Giving includes knowing your own limits so you can be more generous within those limits, and not give beyond your capacity. For me, the take/allow dynamic is much harder than the serve/accept one. To be comfortable in that dynamic with someone in a sexual context, I have to have built up a lot of trust in myself as well as in the other person. I need to trust that we both have the ability to say ‘stop’ if something doesn’t feel great in the ‘allow’ position. The ‘take’ position it is all about feeling like I understand the boundaries and limits so that I can honour them; it also requires a tonne of aftercare for me. In the taking-allowing dynamic, the taker asks for the kind of touch that they would like to give to the other person, for their own pleasure. The allower takes some time to feel into the request, and, if it is something that they genuinely want to allow and would also feel good to them, consent to the touch. For example, the taker may ask: “Can I stroke your hair for three minutes for my own pleasure?” and the allower may reply: “Yes, you can”. This dynamic is often more diffiuclt for people in the ‘taking’ quadrant, because we are not usually accustomed to asking to give touch to another for our own pleasure. Some also associate ‘taking’ with taking something by force, which is not how it’s meant in this context. The Shadows/ Saying No

This deeply nuanced way to practice consent as an agreement brings integrity, responsibility, and empowerment into all human interactions. Many people take this workshop to clarify and enhance their personal or intimate lives. The Wheel of Consent is great for that! What surprises them is how much it affects the rest of their lives too.Access two ways to receive and two ways to give and feel the joy of each of these four possibilities for interaction Dr. Betty Martin has adapted a simple exercise (from a game originally invented by Harry Faddis, which he called the ‘Three Minute Game’ ) in which we can practice having a direct physical experience of each of the Wheel of Consent’s quadrants in turn. This game helps many people really ‘get’ the quadrants at a deeper level than just having a conceptual understanding of them. However, the practice of sharing touch with others is not always possible or preferred, in which case there is still a great deal that can be learned through the conceptual understanding alone.

with thanks to Pete and Thalia Wallis, Michael Dresser, Rose Jiggens and Betty Martin, whose ideas and input have inspired and informed this article.) Notice that the four quadrants consist of two matching pairs. If I am Giving, then you are Receiving, and vice versa. Meanwhile if you are Taking, then I am Allowing, and vice versa. To help familiarise yourself with the quadrants, you can also consider questions people might ask when they are sharing touch, and which quadrant it originates from. Here are a few examples: After you have practiced Take/Allow and switched roles, you could then move on to the Give/Receive dynamic. Now, the Receiver asks the Giver ‘Will you touch my hand in the way I want, for a few minutes?’ If the Giver is willing, they say ‘Yes, how would you like to be touched?’ This is an opportunity for the Receiver to ask for exactly the kind of touch they want, which may not be easy for them, but can feel amazing when it happens. A challenge for the Receiver is that they need to feel they are really worthy of receiving the touch they want. The Giver’s role is to not overstep their own boundaries. They should also only give what has been asked for, and not add anything on. It can be hugely rewarding to Give another person exactly the touch they want to Receive. Either person can ask to pause or stop at any point. Then after a few minutes, the Receiver says ‘Thank you’ and the Giver says ‘You’re welcome’ - and you can switch roles.The Wheel of Consent distinguishes between who is ‘doing’ and who it’s for. With this distinction four kinds of touch become possible, opening a rich and varied possibility of experience. It shows you how to notice what it is you want, how to trust that, value it and communicate it. The key to learning how to have fulfilling, consenting exchanges is learning how to set and keep consensual agreements. This means that everyone remains fully in choice at all times, and still gets what they need. One way of answering this question is to consider the example of the party, and specifically the third scenario, where it’s for both people. This is where Sally and I each want to go to the party, and feel we’ll enjoy it more if we go together. So far, so good. But suppose three hours later I’m ready to go home, and I ask Sally if she’s also ready to go, and share a taxi with me. Sally replies that she’d like to stay another half hour. In response, I say that although I’m ready to go, I’m willing to stay another half hour, as it makes sense to share a taxi together. A question people often ask about the Wheel of Consent® is “But if we are having sex, shouldn’t it be for both of us? Why would it only be for one of us?” And they are right – it is important that if two people are sharing physical intimacy, it should be ‘for’ both of them, i.e. it is something they both really want to do.

The truth is that many of us struggle to fully communicate our desires, or clearly state our boundaries, or take full ownership of our own capacity for pleasure and intimacy. Consent of all kinds is about so much more than simply saying 'yes' or 'no'. Over decades of working with clients Betty Martin, the creator of the Wheel Of Consent, discovered there was a major component missing for people — the confidence that we have a choice about what is happening to us. This transformative modality increases our awareness, enabling more authentic relationships centered in safety, clarity, and ease. April 27 - May 3, 2024 - Sacred Intimacy Training, with the Body Electric School. Betty will be assisting, in person New Mexico Engaging in this practice means engaging with the most fundamental aspects of caring for and respecting personal autonomy.The official Wheel Of Consent book is finally here! The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent by Dr. Betty Martin, with Robyn Dalzen This is a good question! With all the emotions often associated with sex, such as excitement or anxiety to please the other, it can sometimes be difficult for people to distinguish between what they want to do, what they are willing to do, and what they are not willing to do. This is particularly true if they have got into the habit of ‘going along with’ certain kinds of touch – either because they think it’s what their partner wants, or because their social conditioning (e.g. related to power imbalance, or their gender) has trained them to do that.