Use index finger to call someone over and then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand. I am dirty, I love being filled with wood, but someone only goes down on me once a year. What am I? I’ve spent the last three years looking for my wife’s killer. I still haven’t found a person willing to do it.

I was watching Simpsons with my friend and his wife. I and she were laughing. He was not. Then I understood why. He did not get any action from his wife. Her boyfriend told me. Mouthful Let’s play carpenter! First, we’ll get hammered, and then I’ll nail you. SFW Dirty Jokes (You May Even Tell Your Kids) One big difference between men and women is that when women say "smell this", it usually smells nice. Now, that we have entered adulthood, most of us have grown out of those cliché, childhood or teenage ‘clean jokes’ and hence we prefer funny adult jokes over them.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds? They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds? I hate it when guys say that a women belongs in the kitchen. How on earth is she going to clean the rest of the house from there.

I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.” – Gary Delaney Every man has one. It feels great when you blow it and if you’re not careful, it may drip. What is it?

A boyfriend got caught m@sturbating to an optical illusion. He said “It is not what it looks like!” When you laugh together over different topics, there are a lot of inside jokes you develop with your partner. This boosts your bond and allows you to share something only known by the two of you, which is exceptional in many ways. Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.’” – Jimmy Carr What is the common point between sex and a game of bridge? Even if you do not have a good partner, it’s essential to have a good hand.

A man comes home carrying a bouquet of flowers. The wife says, ‘‘I suppose I’ll spread my legs now.’’ The husband remarks, ‘‘why? You mean you don’t have a vase?’’ Planning to throw some dirty mind questions at your buddies during the party? Well, then keep an eye on these questions because such dirty jokes can surely put them up in an awkward position. Get a look.The man then asks, “Then tell me God, why on earth did you make women so dumb?” God immediately replied, “So they would love you.” What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between br*asts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked? The 19-year-old daughter of a French woman confides in her mom that she has a positive pregnancy test. The mom panics and demands to meet the father. A few hours later, her daughter’s boyfriend arrives in a shiny Mercedes, wearing a luxurious Christian Dior suit. The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.” – Sarah Millican