Hot Asian Mom: Loving Moms 2

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Racism had become more permissible, more palpable than ever before, and I didn’t want to confront what had happened; I wanted to bury it.

On the other hand, having live-in help definitely alleviated some of my anxiety because I had someone to talk to. The brilliance of The School for Good Mothers is in identifying these anxieties, and then ratcheting them up to reveal their absurdity. I needed her after my daughter’s traumatic birth, I needed her when I wasn’t sure if I had postpartum depression, I needed her when I doubted my ability to look after my captivatingly precious but astoundingly fragile baby.However, despite some cultural barriers in getting support from my mother, my primary hurdle in getting help had little to do with my cultural background but more with poor education. Everything you see today is built by Asians, for Asians to help amplify our voices globally and support each other. My mind focused on the word “depression,” and therefore, when I experienced severe anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I didn’t recognize them as anything but personal struggles. It was not until I came across Postpartum Progress that I was able to “diagnose” myself with postpartum depression because I learned about intrusive thoughts and postpartum anxiety.

While many people seemed pleased with the competition, others seemed uncomfortable with the whole ordeal. I found it quite helpful – I am an Anglo-Australian, but my husband is Asian-Australian (Chinese-Singaporean ethnicity). I’ve dropped in unannounced, two daughters in tow, and she’s laying out a beautiful meal: gamja-guk potato soup, gyeran-mari egg rolls, and hobak-jeon zucchini fritters.

I was always told what happened in confinement, so during my pregnancy I was sure that I would be fine as mum would be there.

Today we’re so happy to welcome Cat, a Chinese-American Warrior Mom, who blogs at Postpartum Thoughts. Suddenly, my grandmother’s stories weren’t foreign or strange, but rooted in a shared Asian suffering; my mother’s fixation on success, her way of protecting us from a world that saw first the color of our skin. I had access to educational material, but the material was not effective in helping me to identify postpartum anxiety.I thought of the times I felt bored babbling to my baby, how I tired of singing the same nursery rhymes, how my whole world had narrowed to the feeding, cleaning, and entertainment of my tiny child, and then the guilt that followed swiftly after. As the growing pressure to be beautiful gets even heavier in Asia, is it right to pin these expectations onto mothers as well? This defiance in the face of my own negativity is something I’ve been practicing for a few months now. However, I wasn’t worried about the immediate postpartum period because my mother would be living with us for five weeks after I gave birth.

Aimee – It's interesting for me, as well, to hear about your perspective as an Anglo-Australian dealing with an Asian MIL. Race plays a significant role; Frida is the “most palatable kind of Asian” but as scrutiny over her intensifies, judgment breaks down racial lines: “She didn’t sound attentive enough, patient enough, Chinese enough, American enough. Although our different cultures have rarely been much of an issue between us, it has been very interesting seeing the cultural differences, particularly with his parents, when we had children. It wasn’t just that there was no fiction featuring Asian moms who looked like me; there was no fiction featuring dual-heritage girls who looked like her. While American Pie has made the idea of a MILF (you can look that term up if you don’t know it) a run-on joke since the 90’s, China seems to take this concept very seriously.

It's kind of her way to be a bit guarded and constantly second-guess herself if she's somehow intruding. The things your MIL said about taking care of the baby make me chuckle because my mom is exactly the same way! According to traditional Chinese medicine, our bodies have a “hot” and “cold” nature, which must be balanced for good health. I had a “mix” confinement, in that my mother moved out the day the baby came home (my parents previously lived with me 5yr prior).